When It All Makes Sense
Life has a tendency to make little to no sense a lot of the time. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Even though I don't usually see it until long after bad things have happened. We all know it's hard to see why painful, confusing, hurtful things occur in our lives because at the time it never makes sense; it just hurts. Recently, I've been able to look back on the rough year I've had a piece things together, see the reasoning, see how they have changed me for the better. I think that's the most helpful trick to move on from the things, people, and events that have hurt us in our lives.
This past winter, I was working at the Eagle Tavern with my dad and I was the most excited to work on Christmas Eve. I was scheduled for a double and I literally couldn't wait. At 2:30am I woke up with the worst nausea and threw up for most of the night. That day I was fine for the most part (really I was just stubborn and wanted to work) so I went into work anyway, just for the dinner shift. I got there around 4:30, by 7:30 I could barely stand up and my mom had to come pick me up early to take me home, leaving my car there.
I was so angry for so long that I didn't really get to work that Christmas Eve and couldn't understand for the life of me why that had to happen. On the 26th of December we had a meeting for work because new owners were taking over that day. I was also working lunch that day, so I drove in with my dad because I had left my car at the Tavern from Christmas Eve. On our way to the meeting, my dad got a call from his boss, the one that had just sold the Tavern, saying that he didn't need to go into the meeting because he was being fired by the new management.
He had just lost a job at the establishment he had spent the last 35 years of his life working at. He hung up and cried. I tried not to cry as we drove in silence. I still needed to go into work so he couldn't turn around. By the time we pulled into the parking lot we were both a sobbing, snotty mess and he tried to convince me that it was okay and he would be okay. A lie, but sometimes we have to tell those so things hurt less.
I went in, still in tears, and the word got around to my coworkers that he had been fired. The new owners looked me in the eyes, said nothing to me, and then started the meeting a few minutes later. They lied about who my dads replacement was at first because I think my gross sniffles and obnoxious hiccups got the their conscious.
I was angry for a long time. Angry about Christmas Eve, which ended up being my last shift with my dad. Angry at the new owners. It was anger and resentment that I couldn't understand.
About two weeks ago I had a sort of epiphany, I was thinking about that whole situation and realized that had I not been sick on Christmas Eve, I would have had my car with me to drive myself to the meeting on the 26th. This seemed pretty irrelevant to me until I realized that because I didn't have my car I had to drive with my dad, so I was there when he got the news. Had we drove separately he would've been able to turn around, I wouldn't have known he was fired until I got home that night because there wasn't a chance he would've called and told me while I was at work. It all made sense.
I was able to leave most of my anger behind knowing this, I have a sense of peace with the situation.
Looking back and reflecting on these situations is what helps us to grow and learn in life. From this I was able to learn the difference between what I wanted and what I needed. A lot of my resentment stemmed from the fact that I had not gotten what I wanted: to work on Christmas Eve with my dad and everyone at the Tavern. What took me a while to figure out is that I didn't get that because instead I got what I needed: to be there with my dad two days later when he got that phone call.
It is hard to separate our needs from our wants. Often times I find myself convinced that my wants are really just my needs when in fact they are two very different things. I try to be more aware of myself, especially in situations that seem unfair like this one had to me. Usually when looking back it is easy to see that it probably wasn't unfair, but just not what I expected or wanted.
Be more aware, take time and reflect on situations that seemed painful and unfair, see them from a different angle. Taking a step back and looking at hard times in our lives is not an easy thing to do, but in the end it is always worth it and I promise you will feel much more content with you and where you are in life, and everything will make sense in the end.