Weight.

If I told you honestly how many times I started and gave up on writing this post you would probably hate me.

Weight.

I've struggled with my weight/body image/self confidence for as long as I can remember. Not really sure when or why it started for me, all I know is that up until about a month ago I would starve myself.

It really began freshman year of high school, I just kinda started to not eat and feeling guilty when I did eat more than what I thought I should've. Stupid, I know. First, I just started skipping breakfast, then I wouldn't take a lunch with me to school, I'd pretty much just eat dinner when I got home. I also started counting my calories on those awful diet and calorie tracking apps you can get on your phone. I would set limits to like 400 or 600 calories a day and then try to stay under that number.

I did this on and off throughout high school. I would go through phases of trying to eat nothing, then wanting to eat everything, and then feeling like shit for eating anything. I hated myself.

Once I was in college, I started to become more obsessed with weighing myself. We had a scale in our room freshman year that I would weigh myself on usually once a day. Sophomore year we had a scale in our bathroom and I would weigh myself every single time I went into the bathroom. Every single time.

By that point I was at 107 pounds, my goal was 105. Sometimes I would weigh myself and it would read anywhere from 109-111 pounds. Those were the worst days. The guilt would eat me alive.

My eating habits for all of sophomore year were awful. I limited myself to one meal a day and would have maybe a snack or two other than that. I survived quite literally on coffee and a granola a bar for the majority of the day everyday. The worst part was that I would have zero energy and feel like shit, but to me that was better than the guilt from eating.

I remember a few days from this past year where I just didn't eat. I might've had coffee or vitamin water, or just nothing. Now, I don't understand that. Because like, why did I think that was okay? I was just hurting myself. But I think a small, ugly part of me felt like not having to eat to get through the day made me like stronger or something? I had some twisted proud feeling from it.

Towards the end of sophomore year I sort of had a moment of "what the hell am I doing to myself?" I had a lot of changes happen in my life all at the end of the school year and I realized that I'm stuck with myself for the rest of my life, so why should I spend all that time hating myself?

I started trying to eat more-and eat healthier too. Some days I'd still go with nothing or only a little, but for the most part I did well. And the battery in our scale died so I couldn't weigh myself anymore, even though I'd still try to now and then.

Once I moved back home for the summer, at the beginning of May, I really tried to put time, effort, and love into myself and my health. I try to eat two or three healthy meals a day, go on runs, and drink water. Even if I am at work now, I eat. Before I would work doubles and not eat a single ounce of food the entire day. Now I make sure I have a good breakfast, usually oatmeal with fruit or the new Special K with quinoa, and if I work I try to always have grilled chicken (or at least something even if it isn't healthy).

I realized that it is better for me to eat healthy things throughout the day rather than eating nothing but maybe one unhealthy meal or snack. I know they teach you that for your whole life, but for some reason it took me way too long to realize it.

And I still eat shitty things, I just had BBQ chicken pizza before typing this. But now I know that's okay. Eating is okay. Eating is good for you.

I know this probably sounds dramatic and I did not really have a full fledged eating disorder, many people struggle every day with eating much worse than I do, but I know it was a problem for me. And I'm working on it. Some days it's really hard, and I start to feel guilty again. If I skip breakfast and then go into work, that's when it's really hard because then I'll try to convince myself that I should just not eat at all.

We all struggle with loving ourselves, I don't think I've ever met someone that was completely content in who they are and how they look, but believe me when I tell you it feels so good when you start to love yourself. I'm so much happier now than I ever was when I would weigh myself over ten times a day and then think about the number all night. I haven't weighed myself in about a month, and as much as I'd love to know what the number is, I know it really just doesn't matter.

So please, love yourself. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy meals, Drink water. But also eat some pizza. All that really matters in life is that you are happy, so go out of your way to make yourself happy, it's worth it.

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