A week ago I wrote a blog post titled 'Homesickness' I had written about 7 paragraphs before getting frustrated and giving up. I was supposed to finish and post it this week, but as you can see this post is titled something a little different than homesickness.
I did have a spell of homesickness for a little while here, I'd say it started around my second week in Brisbane, third week in Australia over all. It sucked for a while, I just wanted to sleep in my own bed and see my family and friends, but I knew I couldn't. When you feel homesick it feels like it will never go away unless you just go home. But that is far from the truth, and that is what this week's post is about now: happiness, not homesickness.
Last night I was bored so I scrolled through the notes on my phone. It's mostly just various passwords, song titles, and grocery lists, but I happened to stumble across this gem from March 6th, 2018:
"I'm confused. My head is literally all over the place all of the time and it's driving me insane. I get the most sickeningly happy feeling when your name pops up on my phone and the most exhausted, anxious, self hating pit in my stomach when unresponded to. I don't want to. I want to not care, I want to feel so entirely satisfied with myself and who I am that I am completely unbothered by anyone's thoughts of me. I want to go to bed and take a shower and go on a walk and drive in my car and not be consumed by thoughts and over analyzing every single thing that happened. And regretting the things I didn't say while simultaneously criticizing the things I did. I want to feel loved and appreciated and happy. But I don't know how. I don't know how to do that when an open arrow on snapchat makes me feel the same way I did when I my dad got fired the day after Christmas. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to not let the people around me have complete control of how I feel and act. And I really don't know how to get you out of my head when it seems like you may not want me in yours."
I was alarmed at this. I had no recollection of writing it, but I do have recollection of the feeling it describes. Clearly, it's not a good one. I know I was at a very unhappy time in my life when I wrote this and that was a strange thing to remember. When I wrote this I remember thinking that feeling of sadness, confusion, and unhappiness would never leave me. I was unsure of everything in my life at the time except that I would never be able to be truly happy, that I had-for some ungodly reason-decided was set in stone.
It wasn't, it isn't set in stone for anyone, ever. Life sucks a lot of the time. It always seems like everything is falling apart at the seams, that we have no purpose and no one likes us, and we don't know what we are doing or where we are going. It's confusing and exhausting.
For me, as you all probably know from my recent blog post, was struggling in a relationship of my own and that is where I think the 'inspiration' behind my little rant in March stemmed from. But it by no means had only to do with that. I am a person who has struggled with over analyzing relationships, self criticizing, and anxiety for my whole life. For a long time, and still now sometimes, I am in a state of mind of "everyone hates me and is just pretending to be friends with me and it's all just a big joke." But I've come to learn that almost everyone has that state of mind at some point. How stupidly unrealistic is that though? Like we all think that everyone is in on a big joke of pretending to like us and that everyone that we've ever met goes and talks shit on us behind our backs? How on earth would that even be possible?
Recently, I've noticed that my general anxiety and confusion has disappeared. I wasn't really aware of it at first, but when I read that note in my phone it all kinda hit me. For the first time in my life I am undoubtedly happy.
I never thought I'd be able to say those words and be telling the truth. But it feels really damn good to be able to. I still have a lot of uncertainties in my life and sometimes I think about mistakes or awful situations from the past and the sadness creeps back up on me. However, now it doesn't stay, I'm able to move on and focus on where I am now and not care about the past.
Having been in Australia for a month now, I have made the most incredible friends who I absolutely adore, I have really interesting courses that are all relating to film and tv (which makes me excited about the future), and I've gotten to go on amazing adventures to see the beauty of this country. I love it.
The homesickness has drifted far away, and I have finally moved on from the terrible six or so months of my life that I thought would never end. I can delete that god awful note from my phone and go live my life with a real smile on my face.
Please know that even in the darkest of times in your life, it won't last forever. When it feels like nothing will ever go right again and everything is just a negative force against you, that's not true and you are a strong, wonderful person. No one hates you and everything in life will work itself out. Even if you aren't yet, know that one day soon you will be undoubtedly happy. It will be the best feeling in the world, I promise.