You know that feeling when you want to listen to music but you just can't find the right song? A small yet infuriating frustration. You listen to the first ten seconds of every song that comes on before changing it to the next, only to repeat the same thing until you just sit defeated, surrounded in silence.
That's how all of today felt for me. It's not that anything was specifically wrong, just nothing felt 100% right. This morning I tried on five different shirts before ultimately deciding on the first one I had tried on. Stood in the kitchen waiting for the water to heat so I could make my delicious instant coffee, thought about what today might bring. Sat drinking my coffee I put on an episode of The Great British Bake Off, five minutes in I switched to Last Week Tonight with John Oliver because GBBO had just a little bit too much British cheer for me.
I mustered up the energy to head out to buy a new journal because I've been meaning to since
I got to London. At the Waterstones Bookshop I stumbled upon the stationary section in the corner. Faced with three full shelves of planners and journals was like a little slice of heaven for a second. But then I accidentally knocked one off the shelf and then another person came over to the little corner of notebooks and we were cramped both unable to make a decision and so the slice of heaven turned into more of an anxious little bubble. I finally made up my mind on a bumble bee planner and a coffee cup covered journal, got in line, and dropped one again as I tried to get my money out. I felt like I was taking up so much space that I didn't deserve.
Went home, made another cup of bitter coffee. Went grocery shopping. Made a grilled cheese for dinner. Mundane.
Nothing was really wrong, but everything felt wrong. I was frustrated because I didn't have a real reason to be frustrated. I felt like I had wasted the whole day being in a bad mood for no reason. That's when I started to let myself spiral in my thoughts, thinking of every regrettable decision and mistake I've made in my life. From when I stole a penny from the desk next to me in first grade to all of sophomore year of college to getting too drunk too fast at a party three weeks ago. I restarted my inner dialogue of self hatred that I've work really hard over the past year to stop.
So, I stopped dwelling and got my shit together. Made a cup of tea, listened to my favorite podcast, made a playlist of all new music, and wrote this. Nothing life changing or special, but I feel better. And sometimes that's all you can do, just some small things that make you happy.
Not everyday has to be life changing or special. A day can just be frustrating for no reason, like a shirt you can decide on, a show you don't want to watch, or a playlist of songs you can't stand to listen to. But it is also only twenty four hours, which is small, nothing to dwell on. Although it can be hard to get out of a negative headspace, it's possible. And please realize that no mistake or bad choice from your past is worth beating yourself up for it now. Tomorrow will be better.