Me Venting Into a Void

Preface: I wrote this post yesterday so every reference of "today" is talking about yesterday not actually present day. I waited to post because I wanted to read it over in a better headspace instead of just spontaneously posting it at midnight last night. Okay, that's a long enough ramble of a preface, get ready for a even longer ramble of a blog post, enjoy.

Today hasn't been the best of days mental health wise. I wanted to write about that because I think it's important to not only talk about the good days but also the ones where you just kind of feel like shit. For me, today was one of those days and writing this (I'm hoping) will help me feel a little less like shit tomorrow.

I accidentally woke up at 1:45pm today, not a great start. I had set my alarm for 10am but my ability to turn off my alarm without even opening my eyes isn't my most valuable skill. I have homework but I couldn't convince myself to do any of it which made me feel anxious. I didn't make my bed until 7pm when I forced myself to so that I would feel a little bit more like a functioning human. After everything I ate I sat and questioned whether or not I should've eaten it or not and then felt guilty. Basically, I was a sad, anxious mess stuck inside my head all day. It was super fun.

I know all the bullshit about how it's okay to have bad days and tomorrow's a new day and all of that good sunshiny stuff. Personally, when I'm having a really bad day, like today, that overly positive attitude doesn't help me, it just makes me feel worse. I know that's not the intention of that positivity but for some reason hearing that when I am actively aware of how bad I feel, how much I'm procrastinating, and all the things I should be but am not doing I just feel infinitely worse.

It's not effective for everyone, but for me I have found that just sitting in the shitty feeling for a little while can help it go away. (disclaimer: I don't mean this if you are suffering with such feelings for an extended period of time. If you are, please reach out to friends and family or professional help because taking care of yourself and your mental health is important and there are always people that can help you do that.) Today the way I felt seemed endless and unsolvable. But then I took a shower, washed my face, put on clean pajamas, and face timed my mom and I felt okay. Not great, not 100% myself, but better than I had the hour before.

I have found that studying abroad can be one of the most lonely experiences of your life. It is wonderful, and I am grateful for every experience I have had abroad, but it is hard to be away from home. I feel disconnected from a lot of my friends and missing the comfort of being at home with everyone I know and love near by. For me this has been escalated in London as opposed to Australia. I think in part that has to do with watching change and drama happen within my family/home life from a distance. I have felt a sense of helplessness and being left out more than I ever have before. That has been one of the most difficult things for me to cope with since being here and I have found that my number of shitty days, like today, have increased because of that.

Honestly, I can't wait to be home. I love London with all of my heart, I've said a million times that this city is made of magic and that is absolutely true. However, I really just want to be home. Out of the past ten months of my life, only two have been spent in The States, and I have two more left here. I, as I said, am incredibly grateful for that but it has also been incredibly difficult too be so far for so long.

I have two months left in London and only a couple weeks left until I complete my junior year of college. I cannot wait to see what that time has in store for me. I hope it has far fewer days like today but even if it does I know I have made this far already and it will all be okay.

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