I don't know what I'm writing, honestly.
This idea came to me in the shower the other day. Like most good ideas do. I was thinking about a lot of things. A spiral of choices I've made in my life flooded my mind and I came to the painstaking realization that a lot of things I've said and done in my life have been, in someway, selfish. I felt bad. I felt like I had been confidently walking down this path of being right my whole life and I just tripped over a giant tree branch that said "you're an idiot."
If I'm really going to be honest here, and I guess I am, the real reason that made me think of this is something I've already written about a sad amount of times. Yes, it's that god damn boy. The one from all those posts last July.
I think about last July a lot. I was so, incredibly sad. Since then, I've gone through an extreme amount of highs and lows. Lots of lows. And it sucks. It sucks because I've been trying so hard to be happy since last July and for a little while I was succeeding. I really was happy. Life has given me incredible new friends and joys since last July. But it has also taken so many joys from me. Stolen them right out of my hand.
Today I'm sitting here, over a year since last July, and I'm sad. I'm sad for a lot of reasons, and no, not all of them have to do with that god damn boy. Most of them have to do with curve balls that life has thrown me since then. I used to naively think that that time was the saddest, hardest time in my life. Now, I wish I could go back to the simple sorrows that made up last July. I crave the easiness of the hardships that I had then. I miss that god damn boy because he was easy to be sad about. Easy to be mad at. Easy to miss. Life has taken last July, lit it on fire, and thrown it back in my face, and this time it isn't so easy.
Since I was a kid, my life has been interesting. A rollercoaster of sorts. I'm not going to delve into all that lovely childhood trauma on here for you because this is not the time nor the place. However, I bring it up because my whole life I have been waiting. Waiting for everything to calm down and be okay. I really thought that my sophomore year was it. I thought that was all I could take and that was as bad as anything could get. I thought that if got through it that I would be able to get through anything because I would never feel that sad or lonely again. Long story short, I was wrong. But that whole story is one for another time.
When I really sit back and think about not only last July but every month, day, and minute in between then and now, I realize I was a little selfish. I was taking every terrible thing that was happening around me and only considering the way it was affecting me. In my head I was the saddest, loneliest, most hurt person in the world. I acted selfishly for most of the time that led up to and immediately followed last July. I acted selfishly towards that god damn boy. How dare he hurt me? I was the picture of happiness and honesty and maturity. How dare he?
I was wrong. I was also the picture of none of those things. I was the poster child of unhealthy choices and sadness and poorly thought out ideas.
I never once considered the fact that anyone else around me could have been hurting too. Especially not that god damn boy. My--and only my--life was falling a part at the seams and everyone else around me were, unknowingly, in charge of sewing it back together while I was simultaneously pulling out the thread. I'm sorry for that.
How naive was I to think that last July would be the last time I would have to handle being hurt? Here I am, once again, surrounded by things that hurt. Things that make me anxious. Make me want to move to an island and change my name. Or scream at the top of my lungs. This time I don't have that god damn boy to project these things onto. I just have myself.
What I know now that I didn't last July is that I, by myself, can handle these things. I don't need someone to project them onto or distract myself with. Especially not that god damn boy. I can survive anything that hurts me all on my own. After all, I survived last July.