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for a year from now

For days now I have been trying to write something. Absolutely anything. I've felt like I need to. There is inspiration inside of my brain that I for some reason just can't put into cohesive sentences. Like when there is a word on the tip of your tongue but you just can't seem to say it. To say I am frustrated would be an incredible understatement.

I think, maybe, I have too many thoughts and ideas and feelings to write one thing with a clear line of thought. Currently, my brain is attempting to process a lot of things that I can't seem to get past one paragraph on a page. I've felt more anxious in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. And I don't know why. Which is also intensely frustrating.

Writing is something that I use to destress. To process. It helps me think. Organize my thoughts. Feel a little less alone in the world. I like to look back on things I've written and see my growth. Remember moments of both exhilarating happiness and gut wrenching sadness. I write it all down and then it's permanent, unforgettable. I always have it to return to, to relate to when I feel absolutely alone. Which is how I've felt a lot lately.

Loneliness has consumed an undesirable amount of my life recently. It's uncomfortable. I've never quite felt this way before. And I'm not totally sure where it came from, it feels as though it happened in the blink of an eye and now I'm just here. Stuck with my thoughts. But I'm not even able to write them in a way that makes me feel any less frustrated or productive or lonely.

So, here I am on the third post I've tried to write today. I feel creatively drained, beyond frustrated, and extremely confused. Every word I attempt to write feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. I hate it. A year from now, I will look back on this and remember how I felt. I'll be appreciative of how I'll have grown. What I'll have learned. The things I'll have accomplished. I truly cannot wait for that. For now, I'll just be content in where I am and have faith in how it will help me become who I am.

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